


Folie à Deux

by IgarashiSora



Series: Tripping On Daydreams [3]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Apocalypse, Crack, Doomsday Prevention Squad: ASSEMBLE, Dysfunctional Family, El and Five are raging chaotic neutrals and you can't change my mind, El doesn't put up with Five's shit, Eleven | Jane Hopper Has Issues, Eleven | Jane Hopper Needs A Hug, Families of Choice, Five can be a clingy bastard he just won't admit it, Found Family, Gen, I can't tag and I think you can tell, In this house we appreciate ALL our children, Male-Female Friendship, Mostly pure, New rule:, No Incest, No Romance, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Okay so maybe it IS pure, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Eleven | Jane Hopper, Protective Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Self-Indulgent, Unconventional Families, all fics/chapters about El and Five must be Fall Out Boy-themed:, but there's some cursing, el is going to fix literally everything for them because i said so, el is somewhat amoral, five needed a friend so I gave him one, i've had enough of their angsty emotionally constipated bullshit, no exceptions, no matter how much dumbassery they pull off, of el at least, probably- I'm not an expert, she's a sarcastic queen, since they only have THREE BRAINCELLS between all of them, so remember when I said it was pure?, this was way longer than it was supposed to be, which they ALL DO, yeah I lied, you bet your ass this is;
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2020-01-10 19:55:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18414743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IgarashiSora/pseuds/IgarashiSora
Summary: Our favorite dimension-opening telekinetic and time-traveling teleporter meet. Things go a lot better than expected.Rewriting Chapters 4-6. Updated Chapter 4 and 5 are up!





	1. This is the Road to Ruin (We're Starting at the End)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eleven doesn't know where she is. She also doesn't know where she's going. What she _does_ know, is that the confused, scared boy next to her is the only other person around, and she really, _really_ doesn't want to travel in this strange, scary place by herself. Eleven doesn't have a clue where the boy might be heading, but she still wonders if (hopes) he has room for one more ~~troubled~~ soul.

_When Eleven woke up, she knew that wherever she was, her life had been irrevocably changed forever._

 

* * *

It started with the bath.

Just the week before, Eleven was told to reach in as far and deep as she could, to find something- _what,_ she didn't know, but Papa told her to look as hard as she could, so she did. She found a monster.

In her fear, she recoiled, and was pulled out of the Empty, screaming and crying and banging on the glass of the tank until they were forced to drag her out. The disappointment, the cold, empty anger in her Papa's eyes filled Eleven with a blistering, stabbing wave of shame. But she was too terrified to try again that night, even if it was for Papa ~~(It was getting harder to do anything 'for papa')~~. Needless to say, he had some uniformed men drag her back to the Box, kicking and screaming as she begged Papa to give her _just one more chance, she'll be good, she promises-_

Papa came back for her the next day, the stark, buzzing white light of the hallway filling the Box as he stood by the entrance.

"Are you ready to try again, Eleven?" He asked, as if she truly had a choice.

Eleven might be able to say yes or no, but in the end, no meant another day in the Box, another day without food or water or anything else. So, really, they both knew there wasn't a _real_ choice. Eleven supposed it must be worth something that he at least bothers to ask.  ~~(It's not.)~~ Still, she nods, a fractional inclination of the head, as she shakily stands.

"Good." He says simply. They return to the tank.

* * *

"Today, is a very special day. Because today, we make history." Papa knelt to meet Eleven's eyes. "Today, we make contact." Papa explained calmly. Eleven's brows furrowed.

"Contact?" Her voice was quiet, shaky, hoarse from lack of both proper use and confidence. Papa nodded.

"I want you to reach out to the monster." A bone-chilling sense of dread settled in her spine, stopping her heart and her lungs. Her large eyes went wider in disbelief, too shocked and afraid to speak.

"Eleven, I want you to do this for me. Am I clear?" It was apparent that Papa noticed her reaction. His steady, frosty tone turned freezing as he looked her dead in the eyes. Eleven stayed still for a moment before slowly, as if against her own will, she nodded.

"Yes, papa." she murmured.

It was time to get into the tub, and as per usual, they put her headgear on before slowly lowering her into the tank. Eleven met her papa's eyes one last time before the waters claimed her.

* * *

She opened her eyes and was greeted by the darkness. Shaking off the instinctive fear that gripped her heart, Eleven crept forwards, searching for the monster. She didn't want to do this. Why was she doing this again? A soft voice echoed in the back of her head, _'for papa'_.

Right.

But was that really enough?

Of course it is, a part of her chided. ~~(A part of her that wasn't as strong as it used to be.)~~

 

....Right?

 

Eleven didn't want to contemplate how unsure she's become. She was being bad for doubting papa.

 

.

.

.

.

 

Right?

 

Before she could come to her own answer, Eleven was pulled from her musings by the sound of tearing flesh. Her heart stopped when she laid her eyes on the Thing she'd been scared off by the day before. It was hunched over, its head stuck into its food as it tore it apart with its teeth. The sounds were absolutely gruesome, and as she slowly approached, Eleven couldn't help but wish she was anywhere- _anywhere_ \- but there. She was hesitantly raising a hand to it, leaning in to touch its slimy-looking back, when she heard something.

- _ello?!_

Eleven froze. In front of her, the monster kept eating, unbothered by the interruption. After a few seconds of silence, Eleven shook it off and forced herself to raise her hand towards the creature again.

_Hello?!_

Eleven stopped again. What was that?

She was so focused on the sounds that she didn't even realize as she turned away from the monster and it faded away back into the Empty. Unconsciously, as if being slowly reeled in by a string, Eleven found herself walking away from the Thing and towards the voice.

_-anya? Ben? Dad?_

Suddenly, just up ahead, something materialized. Eleven made her way to it, a little quicker than she did when approaching the monster. She got close and recognized it as a person. It was a boy, perhaps the most shocking thing about him being that he looked to be around her age. Eleven has never met anyone her age before. The boy looked scared, looking around frantically, and for a moment Eleven thought he might be able to see the Empty too, but he seemed to be reacting to things she couldn't see, choking on his own words when he lays his eyes on something that wasn't in the Empty.

He was dressed funny, too. Kind of like papa and some of his friends, but his pants were cut short and his jacket was opened to reveal a strange diamond-patterned top _(she didn't know this yet, but it was called a sweater vest)_. His socks were also very, very long. He looked close to tears.

_Anybody?!_

He wailed, face twisted in dismay. And Eleven- her hand, unconsciously stretching out to him, stopped for a second, and- well.

 _She_ was 'anybody', wasn't she?

With a strong wave of more courage than she's ever had in her entire life, Eleven made contact.

* * *

The reaction was instant.

The boy jerked, head whipping to the side to face her, but seeing through her. Eleven felt a tugging deep inside her, pulling at the unseen energy all around, harder, harder, until something burst. A wave of raw energy exploded, a ball so dense and volatile that Eleven couldn't contain it, could feel it burning and searing and so she let go of it with a scream. Distantly, in the normal world, Eleven could hear frantic screams among a cacophony of other sounds, and a violent tremor as she felt that same deep tugging snatch her again and yank on her. Eleven gave in, getting pulled into the current and falling through it. Unbeknownst to her at the time, she leaves Hawkins behind, along with papa and the only not-life she's ever known.

When the calm settles again and she awakens, it is to fire and dust and blowing wind. She's dizzy, and absolutely alone. Eleven stumbles for a moment and then begins wandering around this sad, barren wasteland. Maybe if she starts walking, she might find the boy.

She finds him surprisingly easily, collapsed on his knees and sobbing over what appears- at first- to be a pile of rubble. Eleven silently approached, and realized that within the pile of rubble was a group of (gone, very gone) people. The boy looked sad, so Eleven assumed he really must've cared for them. Lost in her thoughts, Eleven accidentally kicks a rock, the overbearing silence of the world around them amplifying the noise tenfold. The boy's head whipped around, sharp ~~(desperate)~~ eyes immediately latching onto Eleven's thin, small form. He sprung to his feet, stance guarded but also so, so relieved- he _wasn't alone._

"Who- who are you? What're you doing here- what happened?" He asked, words tumbling from his mouth in a rush, mind whirring a hundred miles a minute. He couldn't decide what to ask first, so it was as if his brain's answer was to just throw them all out at once. Eleven recoiled, bewildered and wary due to both circumstance and the sudden barrage of questions. The boy seemed to notice this, and in an awkward and uncharacteristic act of gentleness, he back-tracked just a bit. He didn't want to scare off perhaps the only other person alive. ~~(The thought made a hint of bile rise in his throat. He swallowed it down.)~~

"I- I'm Five," he hedged. Eleven's gaze intensified. Five? A number, like- like _her?_ Was he like her? "What about you? What's your name?" Encouraged by his number-for-a-name, Eleven was able to find her voice.

"Eleven." She murmured, voice soft and breathy- she screamed a lot just earlier, so her throat hurts and she's kinda dizzy now, which didn't help. She shuffled forward cautiously, eyes trained on Five. She stopped when she was about a foot away.

"Eleven?" He asked. His gaze rested on her wet-suit, perhaps only picking up on it now that the adrenaline had mostly passed. Something clicked in his head as he did so. "Never figured there'd be more." Five muttered. Eleven didn't know what 'more' meant, unless he was perhaps talking about people with number-names? People like them? Then again, _was_ he like her at all?

"Are you- like me?" Eleven forced the words out of her mouth, nervous. She wasn't sure which answer she'd prefer- if he was like her, then did he escape his not-life too? Was she all alone, with no one else like her? Five eyed her calculatingly.

"Like you?" he asked. She nodded. Unable to properly express herself verbally, she resorted to brandishing her wrist, revealing the 011 stamped there in ink. Five's eyes widened, and slowly, keeping steady eye contact with Eleven, he grasped her wrist and pulled it closer. Eleven's heart pounded in her chest, awaiting his response. Eventually, Five lifted his other hand, pushing back the sleeve and settling his wrist next to hers for the both of them to see. Drawn carefully with deep black ink, right around the same area that Eleven's branding tattoo was, laid an umbrella with a circle around it. The thick-lined tattoo was nothing close to a number, but to Eleven this was enough evidence. This boy- Five- was like her. She might not be sure what the umbrella design was from, seeing as it wasn't his number-name, but she figured it must've been a Lab branding. Eleven looked up to see Five already watching her carefully.

"Like me," Eleven murmured. The corner of Five's lips curled upward, so quick and small Eleven thought she'd imagined it.

"Guess so."

* * *

"So, if you're not from here, then where are you from?" It'd been maybe a few hours since Eleven and Five met. They were in the middle of burying the bodies of Five's siblings _(Eleven rolled the word around in her mind. Family, Five had said, when asked to define it)_ when Five came around to the question. Throughout the conversation, Eleven had made it fairly clear that while she was a human, and from Earth, she wasn't from the  _same_ Earth; it was one of the few conclusions Five came to when she explained how she got to the apocalypse; a lot of vague wording that he gathered was due to her limited vocabulary and speech. Something about a tank and how she had to "make contact" with the monster "in the Empty". It was honestly one of the most outlandish explanations Five could've come around to, but considering he'd just _time-traveled_ into the apparent _apocalypse,_ a confirmation of the multiverse theory wasn't too big of a stretch at that point.

"Hawkins Lab." She said simply. Five mulled it over. He was pretty sure there weren't any towns or facilities by the name of Hawkins- not in this universe, anyway.

"Hawkins where? In which state?" She blinked at his question, brows furrowing in confusion.

"State?" And, wow, this girl must've never gotten an education. Five wondered if she'd ever even left this Hawkins before.

"Have- have you ever left this... Lab?" Eleven slowly shook her head, wondering why that was so surprising. Did he not live in a lab?

"Oh. Well, now that you have, we should probably work on that." Five seemed a bit desperate for conversation, likely to take his mind off the fact that he's suddenly become one of the last two people on Earth, but Eleven didn't mind as he rambled on and on. If anything, she was eager to hear what he had to say, words that for once weren't orders or reprimands. She was eager to hear all he could possibly tell her about the world- and boy was there a lot. Sometimes Eleven would get lost, unsure what many of the words he'd said meant, and while he could be a little impatient he was too grateful for the company to complain. Also, the wide-eyed wounded look she gave Five the first time he'd huffed at her reminded him quite a lot of Vanya, which made him tamp his attitude down some. He would never admit how it stabbed at his heart when he saw it, the desire to see his siblings threatening to overwhelm him.

Still, he wasn't alone, even if Eleven was very quiet and kind of eerie. Even if he had to backtrack fairly often and explain things to her. He wasn't alone, and that was enough for him.

* * *

Eleven still doesn't know where she is. She also still doesn't know where she's going. What she _does_ know is that the confused, scared boy next to her is the only other person around, and she really, _really_ doesn't want to travel in this strange, scary place by herself. Eleven doesn't have a clue where the boy might be heading, but she still wonders if (hopes) he has room for one more ~~troubled~~ soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read the one-shot collection I've got going, you can tell this is a complete copy/reupload. This is for the sake of the fluidity of the story, but I also didn't want to delete the one from the one-shot collection because I loved all the nice comments ^.^ I'll be uploading the actual new chapter soon!
> 
> Also, anyone looking to follow my fic/writing progress, I have a [Tumblr account](http://igarashisora.tumblr.com/) that I sporadically update, feel free to check it out!


	2. I'm Here at the Beginning of the End (the End of Infinity With You)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> El, Five realized, as he watched her crush the man's throat with ease, was simple in the way she loved.  
> He supposed he should've noticed this far earlier, but there really was no denying it as he witnessed her murder a man with the simple justification of "Five needed me to."
> 
> Some of the times and ways El and Five showed how much they care for each other. 
> 
> (El and Five grow together, and eventually, the Temp Commission comes for them.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was SUPPOSED to be pure fluff, and it's,,, not. I don't know what happened, but somehow it didn't end up that way. :)
> 
> (Alternatively titled "The Last of a Dying Breed" :D)  
> 

El, Five realized, as he watched her crush the man's throat with ease, was simple in the way she loved.

He supposed he should've noticed this far earlier, but there really was no denying it as he witnessed her murder a man with the simple justification of "Five needed me to." Which, he didn't, not really (yes, he did), but he could admit that it was rather touching that she would do so without hesitation, only because she believed he was in need.

Yes, Five mused, watching his partner levitate the man into a dumpster, El was simple with her love. You either had all of it, unconditional and all-consuming, or not at all.

* * *

It was about a month or so since Five and Eleven wound up in the hellhole that was the apocalypse, and Five was passing the time by talking about his family again.

Eleven didn't mind this, since it wasn't like she herself knew of anything else to talk about. Besides, what else was there to do? At least the stories Five told were generally entertaining. However, it was then that Eleven finally gathered up the courage to ask about the Name Thing.

"Why do they have names?" She asked. Looking back on it, she supposed she certainly could've been clearer with her words. Five stopped talking and looked at her with confusion.

"What?"

"Don't they have numbers, too?" After all, why did Five have a number-name when the rest of his siblings had letter-names? Based off the stories he'd told her, they were like her and Five. Where were their number-names? Five blinked.

"Oh," he said, as if just realizing her point. "Yeah, they _d_ _id_ have numbers, too, but they didn't like them, so they decided they wanted normal names." Eleven's eyes widened as Five explained this to her. They were allowed to choose their own names?

"What about you?" Five shrugged at the question.

"I didn't really want one," he told her. "All of my siblings chose names because they wanted to be more normal. But we aren't normal at all. We never were. Why should I try to be something I'm not? So I decided I didn't need another name." Eleven processed her friend's words very carefully. It made an awful lot of sense on both sides, she decided. She was still mystified by the notion that people were able to choose their own names if they weren't satisfied with the one they were given.

"Do you want a name?" Five asked, taking in her expression. He could practically see the gears turning in her head. "I'm not all that creative, but we can try to come up with something if you want. Or maybe just a nickname? 'Eleven' is admittedly a bit of a mouthful."

Five then had to explain to Eleven just what 'nicknames' and 'mouthfuls' were, and Eleven tried her best to verbalize her thoughts on the matter. She liked the idea of not being 011 anymore, but she also found that Five's decision to keep his number-name made a lot of sense, too. They settled on a nickname, and thus Eleven was no longer 011 but rather El.

* * *

It'd been about two years since then. At this point, the duo took shelter in one of the few mostly-intact homes they could find, and they'd come up with a sound routine.

Every morning, Five would wake up at the ass-crack of dawn and practice getting his powers to work. They'd been buggy since he wound up in the apocalypse, so he was focusing on trying to get the problem smoothed out.

Some time later, El would wake up and start fiddling with the radios, looking for signs of life, or maybe even a way out. When Five came back to their (surprisingly sturdy) house exhausted and frustrated, they'd eat. Usually, Five would work on his equations after the meal, and El would crack open one of the many books they'd collected while scavenging.

Every few days, they would head out after breakfast and go looking for more supplies. They'd come back when it was getting dark, eat (if they still had enough food), and then sleep. Rinse, repeat. Initially, Five was extremely adamant when it came to pushing himself past his limits. He'd train til he could barely stand, then worked on his equations feverishly, and then would go out looking for items and food nearly every day. He'd barely slept, or did any sort of resting in between, no matter how many times El would beg him to slow down.

That was, in fact, exactly how their first true argument happened.

El asked him to take a nap for the millionth time, and Five erupted. He was sick of hearing it- why couldn't she understand that he needed to do this? He needed to get the both of them out of there, needed to get home, needed to save his siblings. What was so wrong about that? Didn't she _get_ it? "Just because _you_ don't care about anything doesn't mean _I_ don't!" The second the words left his mouth, Five wished he could stuff them back down.

El was frozen in shock, and Five's gut twisted at the unbridled _hurt_ on her face, clear as day. Before Five could say anything else, he was flung backwards through the air multiple feet, landing on his back in the dirt. El rose, storming over. Her nose bled with the effort she put into keeping Five on the ground.

"I _do_ care," she snarled. "About _you._ Even if _you_ don't." With that, El spun on her heel and strode away to her room. A large chunk of wreckage levitated a few feet away and landed at the doorway behind her for good measure, ensuring Five couldn't bother her (seeing as the actual door was gone, he very well could've).

Eventually, Five got up, slowly making his way to the chunk of wall she put between them. If he listened intently, he could hear her soft sobs. His heart sank. What had he done? Five raised a fist to the wall, about to knock, when he thought better of it. Would she really want to speak to him? Should he give her space? Or should he address this immediately? He'd never dealt with something like this before. Finally, he heard a quiet but firm, "go away." Five decided, for once, to heed someone else's advice. So he went to his room, curled up, and slept.

The next morning, he awoke to the smell of El cooking one of the few canned goods they'd found that week. They made eye contact, before she broke it to stare at the boiling pot.

He had to make this right.

So Five, for the first time in his life, went ahead to make amends on his own volition. "El," he started, hesitantly. He hated how far out of his element apologies were. "I- I'm." El watched him expressionlessly. Her eyes were rimmed red and the bags under eyes were deeper, indicating that she stayed up crying the whole night. The sight of them caused Five to push through his own discomfort. "I shouldn't have said that. I _know_ you care, a lot. It was- unfair of me to say that." Another breath. Just get the words out, come _on._ "I'm sorry."

Silence.

El gazed at him intently for a few more moments, eyes picking at him as if she were searching for something. Finally, she said, "Me too. For hurting you." Her words brought attention to the dull throb in his back that he'd barely noticed was there. Was his back really still hurting from yesterday? "But not for trying to help." Five nodded fervently.

"Yeah, that's- that's fine. You shouldn't be sorry for helping." El's lips pursed but she didn't respond. Instead, she offered him a bowl of steaming soup. He took it graciously, and the matter was dropped.

Ever since then, Five took care to listen to El more. He put up a lot less of a fight when she told him to sleep, and quietly began taking better care of himself per her request. Sure, he frequently needed reminders, but she never needed to blast him through the air again.

Of course, Five, petty as he was, made sure to nag her just as often about rest and health. El took this as the silent promise that it was and would listen (though with just as much bickering).

* * *

The next time they emotionally made progress, it was yet again through a confrontation of sorts. It was almost a year later, making Five sixteen and El fourteen. They were scavenging again, looking through the ruins of a mall. They were running low on food (again), and El's powers were weakening from the malnutrition. Just as they were about to leave, something above them caught El's eye.

On what was left of the crumbling second floor of the mall, there was a flash of color. Upon getting closer, she realized it was- what was it, actually? It was a large box, but she could see through the front of it, and was that- was that _food?_ El ignored Five's call behind her when he noticed she wasn't by his side. She moved closer, trying to get a better look at it, only to find another box right by it, this one with what looked like beverages.

_Water._

El was so desperate that she began climbing the wreckage, stepping over rubble and pulling herself up with eroding beams and pipes. Five made a noise of alarm behind her, trying to catch up. "El," he called, now worried. "El, _wait._ " El ignored him, eyes trained on those _things_. Two whole boxes of _edible items_. This was something that couldn't be passed up.

Maybe it was the sharp hunger pangs, or the deep-set exhaustion in her bones, but she was getting light-headed from the mere thought of getting _food._ So driven was she, that she couldn't hear Five chasing after her, begging her to come back down.

"El, stop, the rubble's too loose! It's unstable, just- _El!"_ There was a desperate edge to his tone, and he inwardly cursed his powers for failing him at a time that he so desperately needed it. El, on the other hand, knew she had to get closer to the container- _things_ before she could safely get them down. Just as El climbed a bit higher, the rusted support beam beneath her hand broke off from the rest of the precarious pile, and soon El was tumbling down, the wreckage above her crumbling and falling after her.

There was a scream, and then a flash of blue light. A pair of arms wrapped around her, and in the blink of an eye she was ten or so feet away from the rubble landslide. Five was still holding onto her, and it was only then that El realized that Five was trembling. Immediately her arms snaked around him and she squeezed. Five's face was buried in her tangled hair, and there was a suspicious dampness growing there.

Tears of fear and frustration left Five's eyes, and he tightened his hold. Dammit, what the hell was she thinking? He asks this aloud, pulling back and shaking her by her shoulders, but El only looked at him guiltily in response. "Don't fucking do that again," and, God, Five hates how raw his throat feels, how choked up he sounds as he says this. "Do you hear me? What the fuck would I have done if you'd-" he couldn't finish the sentence, he _couldn't._ "Fucking-" he let out a noise of frustration and El pulled him back into a hug.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. And, good God she'd better be, Five thinks, because how the hell would he be able to just keep going, all alone? Was she really going to let him lose her for- for what, some fucking vending machines, with food that was probably expired anyway? What the fuck would that have given either of them, other than heartbreak and another body to bury?

"Don't do that again." _Don't leave me._ The words went unsaid, and yet they were the loudest. El hears them, and they make another promise.

* * *

Five is nineteen, and El seventeen, when they start making progress by leaps and bounds.

At this point, Five is able to do basic spatial jumps again, and can even take El with him every now and again. El, on the other hand, was able to stretch her senses a lot farther than she was before, pinging other radios and the like from almost twice as far as she used to. She was especially proud of the fact that she no longer needed the Bath to find people, because even without anyone out there, it made it easier to find Five when he woke up before her and went wandering.

This was especially useful, because El needed to carry out her plans without him knowing.

See, the thing was, living in the apocalypse as they were, it wasn't as if the dates really mattered anymore. The days blended together, and half the time the only thing they were able to use as a clue to the dates and times were the changing seasons. Four seasons go by, meaning a whole year. The months, weeks, and days don't matter nearly as much, because keeping count of those would probably make them go stir-crazy.

During his rambling about the world before it went up in flames, Five ended up explaining to El what a 'birthday' was and how to celebrate it, and in doing so made El desperately curious about Five's birthday.

Five, ever the practical person, refused to indulge in birthdays now that he was stuck in a wasteland, as splurging on things like food was no longer something he could afford. As such, it took El a very long time to squeeze out the information from him, but she finally found out that his birthday was October 1st, right during fall. And while they didn't have a calendar, El was able to make a rough estimate of the days.

She was determined to give him something, anything, because Five's hard work has been paying off and honestly? They were stuck in a Goddamned apocalypse, El was fairly certain that they should be allowed _some_ level of happiness wherever they could find it, thanks.

And so, while Five was near the dried-up creek practicing his jumps again, El snuck off to enact her Secret Plan (she lovingly called it 'Operation: We're Dying and Need Entertainment'. She was very proud of this name).

By the time Five returned to their shelter, El had already cleared up some of the rubble using her telekinesis, and set up a nice little area for the both of them. During one of their many trips wandering the lands, El managed to find one of those birthday frosting cans that came with sprinkles, and a broken (but still very pretty) telescope. Both were things she'd stashed in her room until this moment, as the frosting can was placed as nicely as possible on a makeshift table, along with some hard candies that probably weren't all that tasty anymore.

She wished she had some 'balloons', because according to Five, they were fairly essential to the standard birthday celebration. Still, she made do with what she had. When Five stepped into the house, he immediately caught sight of the little display (as the wall separating the kitchen from the living room had long since been destroyed), and quirked a brow.

"What's all this?"

El flicked a bit of dust off the table, as if that somehow made it cleaner, before proudly telling him that it was his birthday dinner. She ushered him over to sit, and despite Five lightly protesting half the time, she could tell he was trying not to smile.

"C'mon," she insisted. "I can't let you miss _all_ your other birthdays."

"And what exactly makes my nineteenth any more significant than the ones that have already passed?"

"Not much," El conceded, shrugging. "But it can't hurt to do something fun sometimes. Being too serious isn't good for your brain." At this, she tapped his forehead, and Five wrinkled his nose and leaned back on instinct. "How do you sing the song?" She asked. Five mentioned that the birthday occasion came with a song, but always refused to sing it to her. He shook his head.

"Yeah, no way. I'm not singing, you're not singing. No one's singing."

El poked and prodded and whined. "Well I guess I'll just keep saying it, then," she told him, before repeating the words 'Happy Birthday' in a gradually increasing volume until Five begged her to stop, face scrunched in the way that meant he was trying to be angry but was actually fighting a laugh.

"Stop," he groaned.

"Not until we sing the song." And Five wasn't pouting, he _wasn't_. Finally, he relented, and although he would deny it til the day he died, El would have it marked in history as the time she got Five to sing the birthday song with her.

(And sure, the frosting may have tasted kind of gross, and the candies kind of like ash, but Five was secretly incredibly grateful, because no matter how little it was, it was _something,_ which was light years better than nothing.)

(Also, he loved the telescope. ~~Even if it was broken.~~ )

* * *

Five was a solid twenty-five years old when he realized that, yes, he _could_ get way more desperate.

He and El were migrating again, since summer was rolling in and they needed somewhere cooler to keep from sweating and losing precious water. Halfway through the journey, they stopped at some ruins, the ceiling still precariously balancing itself on the support beams and providing shade, both rare things to find most days.

El was sitting on a dusty lump of rotting wood as Five took a look around, hoping to find something useful. It appeared to be a bank, though that didn't mean there couldn't be some water or the like in some back room. And yet, suddenly, as if the universe hated them (it must've, to put them through this bullshit), El heard a faint groaning sound from above, which was the only warning either of them got before the ceiling decided it would like nothing more than to squish the two humans beneath it.

Without so much as giving it a second thought, Five was teleporting from the back of the bank to where El was, grabbing hold of her before teleporting them out. It worked, and for a second Five almost allowed himself to calm down when he heard a yelp of pain.

"Shit," Five hissed when he looked down. "Shit shit _shit_."

He miscalculated the jump, and the result was that El landed on a pipe that wound up lodged in her calf. This sent Five into a spiral of panic, because _no fucking way was he going to let her die from his own stupidity._

Which, of course, led to him frantically going through the ruins to find literally anything to help her. It was by sheer luck that he found the stash of rubbing alcohol in what looked to be someone's apocalypse bunker, and wasn't that just disgustingly ironic?

And so he poured the rubbing alcohol over the wound, bound it tight, and prayed to every possible entity that El wouldn't die from something like this. Please, not now, he begged, stroking her hair as she slept, hours later. If you have a single shred of empathy, please, don't do this now.

Five doesn't know if it was the prayer, or his pitiful desperation, or El's sheer force of will, but she woke up the next morning, and each morning after that, and to Five, that was all that mattered.

* * *

El and Five were close to a breakthrough when the universe remembered they existed.

Its greeting card came in the form of a woman in black, so neat and clean that both questioned at once if they were finally losing their minds. They were feverishly working on their escape, Five insisting the equations were almost right and El believing she could feel the fabric of the universe _(right there, so close, she can feel it on her fingertips-),_ close enough to touch, to _tear,_ when they heard a clear and cheerful, "Hello there!"

Five immediately raised his shotgun, and El simply narrowed her eyes at the woman. She waved at them before putting her briefcase down.

"Oh, settle down, I'm not here to hurt you," she laughed. The duo shared a glance, before Five finally spoke up.

"Who are you? What do you want?" He never lowered his gun. The lady smoothed out the invisible wrinkles on her skirt, smiling at the question. She removed her sunglasses, and opened her mouth to speak.

After twenty-three years, the universe had extended its hand. It was not disappointed.

* * *

Getting situated in the Temp Commission was surprisingly easier than expected, though they suspected it was because the employees were being a lot nicer to them than the normal newbies, seeing as they hadn't seen anyone else for twenty-three years.

They were shown around by Kelley, a fresh-faced redhead with a pencil skirt and a wide smile. They were given living quarters, and offered food and hot showers. If El were anybody else, she'd have probably cried. Kelley also told them they'd be partners at work, since field agents usually worked in teams of two.

Over the course of their career, El and Five quickly rose through the ranks as some of the best the Commission had to offer. To most there, that was something to be envied. El couldn't care any less. She had to admit, every time she saw the light leave someone's eyes, knowing she's the one who'd snuffed it out- every time she came back from a mission and had to scrub off the blood and muck and (occasionally) entrails, or was met with bright smiles and congratulations on "another job well done," there was a part of her that wished that when the universe called that day, she'd hung up.

It didn't matter if she woke up in cold sweat each night, to see ashes falling from the sky and fire everywhere- or worse yet, to be greeted by blinding white lights and the smell of sterile _everything_ , because she had that problem every night of her life, before the Temp Commission, before the apocalypse. And it didn't matter if she hated herself more and more as the seconds ticked by, knowing she was doing exactly what 'Papa' made her to do, she was fine, shewasfineshewasfineshewasfineshewasfineshewas _fine._

She stomached it, because every snapped neck, every dumped body, every new mission file was yet another step closer. Closer to freedom, to escape, to the place Five called 'home'. And while it was Five's home, not hers, she knew this was all he'd ever wanted, and that, given time, it would maybe become hers, too.

Every time she doubted herself, her mission, her drive, the memory of when she first met him would come to the forefront of her mind. His wide eyes, the trembling that wracked his whole body, the desperation in his voice. And her resolve would steel, and her hands would stop shaking, and she'd welcome the sound of someone choking on their last breath.

Because Five was the only person who'd ever cared about her, who'd ever wanted her around because of who she was and not what she could do. And if someone like that was so desperate for something called 'home'- well.

Maybe she'd like to go there, too. ~~Even if she had to become a monster to do it.~~

* * *

Working for the Temp Commission was rather dirty work, Five decided, but he supposed it was better than none at all. After all, work was proof there was a civilization to work _for_ , and civilization was something he'd been dreaming of rejoining since he'd left it.

Knowing where his next meal was going to come from made it a lot easier to focus on other things as well, such as getting him and El to 2019, and figuring out how to stop the apocalypse. These thoughts honestly helped him get each mission done, blocking out the blood and the screams and the crying in favor of going over the numbers again, or revising the back-up plan to the back-up plan on how to save his family.

If he tried hard enough, he wouldn't notice the stuttering in his breath, or the bile threatening to rise in his throat at the stench of pile after pile of corpses that built up from mission to mission. He'd get so laser-focused on going back over plans H through M that it was easy to pretend that he couldn't still feel blood slicking his hands after he'd washed them a thousand times, couldn't hear children shrieking like banshees in his sleep (was this how Klaus felt?), couldn't smell the heavy oppressiveness of smoke and iron in the air or taste the ashes in his mouth, and why was there suddenly strange black spots in his vision?

But it didn't matter, because he was doing this for a _reason_ , for his _family,_ and to Five that was all the reason in the world that was needed.

However, he felt that it was unfair to El.

After all, she didn't know these people, didn't grow up on this planet, even. She wound up with him by pure chance, and though he was forever grateful for her presence, he couldn't help but feel as if he was being unfair to her for dragging her into this. She didn't sign up to murder people to save _his_ family, and honestly, what reason could she possibly have to do this? He wouldn't feel as guilty about this if he were toughing it alone, no matter how terrifying that sounded. Because El didn't deserve this. She didn't have to do any of it at all, and he knew how much she hated the job.

He tells her such, while on a mission in Spain. They were loitering by a lamp post in the dead of night, waiting for a baker to close up his shop.

"You don't have to do this," he says, and though it seems out of context, she knew exactly what he meant. She quirked a brow at him, imploring him to elaborate anyway. "The job, the plan, any of it. Sure, you took the work, but I know how much you hate this. You can just come with me, collect the checks or something, if you want. But you don't have to kill anyone." After all, it might've been too late to just quit, but she didn't have to shoulder nearly as much of the work as she did.

A small smile graced El's lips at that. In the corner of her eye, she could see the baker flip the sign from 'open' to 'closed'. "Of course I do," she says, voice nearly amused, because who did Five think he was kidding? He was insanely capable, ruthless, even, and she had no doubt he could get the work done on his own, but did he seriously expect her to let him go it alone, in any capacity?

"Why?" He asked, and yet even as he says it, the answer already appears to him. Distantly, he noticed their target finally lock up, and leave the bakery. The smile on El's lips widened, and they both followed the man as he turned down an alleyway.

"Because," she murmurs, "You need me to."

The man finally notices them, but by then it was far too late. With a sharp tilt of her head, El's target is eliminated, his neck twisted almost a full 180 degrees.

* * *

"Would you like us to get rid of it for you?"

A year into the job, and El was given a choice.

She was back to getting fitted, this time because their next mission was one that would require a particular type of apparel that one couldn't simply find in just any era (more specifically, they were going undercover during the Middle Ages, because _someone_ was having second thoughts on assassinating Giuliano de Medici), when one of the tailors noticed the branding on her wrist.

El hummed and looked down at her tattoo. The branding had been there for nearly as long as she could remember, deep black ink seared into her skin to remind her of just what she was, what she always would be, for the rest of her life. They were offering to wipe it all away.

"No," she said, finally. El flashed the woman a smile. "I'm good, thanks." Five watched her carefully, an amused light to his eyes- and maybe there was pride there, too. He knew what she was thinking, after all.

This tattoo, the simple 3-digit number that sat innocently on her wrist, represented nights punctuated by tear-stained pillows and bruised knees, an echo of waking nightmares and roaring demons, reeked of rotting flesh and stung like a throat sore from blood-curdling screams. It represented the shadows of a small, scared little girl who didn't even know how to dream.

And she dared not remove it.

Because those nights, those endless living horrors, would never own her like they'd wanted. They made her, molded her, chased her down til she fought back, beat her til _she_ broke _them_. And still, they would never own her.

But they were a part of her that was ingrained and nearly essential to her. 011 was not her identity, but it was a piece of El, which  _was._

El saw no reason to change that.

She was stronger than the demons, now. She has become one, and that little girl was no longer scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can tell, this isn't THAT long, and it's because I realized that the third addition would actually make more sense if I put it before the super long one, which is why I quickly wrote this one first so I can publish the longer one(s)- I split it in half- later:)
> 
> Please be nice, this is the first time I've ever written something like this ;-;


	3. Eau de Résistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> El is very, very lost. Again. Needless to say, Five is extremely disgruntled to hear that his favorite apocalypse companion isn't where she should be. (Aka with him)
> 
> In other words, El and Five return to do what any good Apocalypse Prevention Committee does. Which is, of course, to fuck shit up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the wait! I'm in the middle of exam week (more like exam month tbh) right now, so all I've really been doing is studying, chugging unhealthy amounts of caffeine, and sobbing. This chapter was also supposed to have more to it, but then my sister told me it was becoming a little too long and to split the chapter in half (AGAIN btw) and so one chapter became two, which became three, and it keeps growing ;-; Still, please enjoy! (Side note: I don't hate Luther I swear, but it will be a while until he can have his redemption/comeuppance)

"Ready?"

El met his eyes at the question. Her lips twitched upwards the slightest bit, and she grabbed his hand.

"To fuck shit up? Always."

Five cackled as the portal widened in front of them, and they leaped through.

* * *

When the Hargreeves reunited for their father's funeral, the last thing they expected was to run into a temporal anomaly in the courtyard. The five living Hargreeves' locked eyes before bolting out the door to face whatever this thing was.

Upon Klaus tossing a fire extinguisher at the bright blue mass in the sky, the anomaly zapped and brightened. They were all stunned into silence as they watched a small figure tumble to the ground. The mass was still for a moment, before writhing around and getting up, at which point it was revealed to be a boy in a grey suit many sizes too large.

"Does anyone else see little Number Five, or is that just me?" Klaus asked. The boy, revealed to be the long lost Five, seemed extremely puzzled as he examined himself. He took in the way that his clothes no longer seemed to fit him, and how his arms were definitely smaller and thinner than they should be. Five also noticed, to his own absolute horror, the even more concerning lack of a specific someone.

Five vaguely remembered the feeling of holding on, as tight as he could and then tighter some, before the reassuring warmth in his hand, so steady and always there, slipped away and-

_No._

"Shit." He hissed, before storming past them and into the house. The siblings all shared looks before following him inside. Once they were all converged in the kitchen, they watched as Five flitted about, slapping together his signature peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich. Vanya's heart tugged a little at seeing it, despite the anger with which her brother smeared the peanut butter onto the slices.

"What's the date? The  _exact_ date." He asked.

"The 24th." Vanya said automatically, voice distant like she couldn't believe her eyes. Five's scowl deepened.

"Of what?"

"March." This clearly wasn't what he wanted to hear as he tore viciously into his sandwich.

"Damn," he muttered. "Should've been able to take us farther than that. Guess the numbers were off." Five's nose scrunched at the thought of getting the equations wrong. He'd thought after all this time that he would've been more careful, would've known better than to make whatever silly mistake he made that flung him into the week of the 24th, barely giving him enough time to get his plans going. Oh, well. He and El have worked with less.

"It's been  _seventeen years_ , Five." Luther's voice snapped the man-turned-child from his musings. Five scoffed.

"Oh, it's been longer than that." He stared his larger brother down. It didn't matter to him that he was a thirteen-year-old again, he was an assassin, a ruthless killer, a _monster._ Someone who's been through hell and back. Luther couldn't scare him if he tried. Five sent him a feral grin. "Try twenty-seven years."

Twenty-seven long, bitter, bloodstained years in which the only thing that kept him going was the ironclad determination to see them again, to save them, to at least give them a better shot than they had the first go around.

Perhaps the only good thing that could be said is that he wasn't gone as long as he could've been- hell, if El hadn't been the dimension-jumping powerhouse she was, it was possible that he really _would've_ needed the Temp Commission to bail him out, else he would've probably died in that wasteland.

"So you're saying you're like, what, forty?" Despite this being a fair question given his appearance, Five still made sure to sneer at Allison for it.

" _No,_ my _consciousness_ is forty. It appears that I'm physically thirteen." He scowled down at his too-skinny arms.

"Where'd you go?" Diego cut in.

"The future. It's shit, by the way."

"Called it!" Klaus exclaimed. Five couldn't help the way that the corner of his lips twitched for the barest second. He looked up, seeing Klaus cross-legged on the table.

"Nice dress." Five said mildly.

"Danke!" Klaus crowed.

Before anyone could say anything else, Five picked up a newspaper from the counter. "Looks like I missed the funeral."

"How'd you know about that?" Honestly. He really wanted to give Luther the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes his brother surprised him in the worst ways possible.

"God, Luther. What part of 'the future' do you not understand?" He skimmed the paper again. "Heart failure, huh? Nice to see nothing's changed."

Five was getting sick of this conversation. He didn't have time for this. He had a world to save, and a lost companion to find, not necessarily in that order. He tossed the newspaper without caring to see where it landed and dumped the rest of his sandwich. "Anyway, I've got work to do."

"That's it? That's all you have to say?" Geez. Don't get him wrong, Five truly did love his siblings, but sometimes the things that came out of their mouths.... Given, Allison didn't know that the world was going to end in eight days, but really, couldn't a pat on the shoulder do?   _(He ignored the part of his brain that told him to stop lying to himself. A pat on the shoulder wouldn't be enough. But if he tried for anything more, he'd-)_  

Five left the kitchen. He had to change his clothes, and smooth out his plans as much as he could.

"What else is there to say? It's the circle of life. Besides, I-" he was cut off by multiple phones ringing. The kitchen phone along with the cellphones off all of his siblings made a terrible cacophony of noise, but instead of using this momentary distraction and leaving, he lurched forward, warping back into the kitchen and snatching the nearest phone. Diego let out a rather embarrassing squawk upon losing his cell.

"Hello?" Five said, not even bothering to check the ID. The sudden ringing on every phone was far too coincidental, and the way all the ringing stopped at once as soon as he answered was the final nail in the coffin. He knew who it was, who it  _had_ to be. Five moved out of the way when Diego tried to get his phone back.

There was silence on the other end, before a quiet "Hello?" Relief flooded through Five's veins. He wasn't on his own. No matter what, throughout everything, she hadn't left him on his own. She kept her promise.

"El," he breathed. "Where are you?" He was so engrossed in his phone conversation that he forgot that he was still in front of his siblings, who couldn't help but wonder who was on the other line.

"What?... _Where?_ El, no-" Five growled under his breath and massaged his temples, relief from hearing from El giving way to irritation. "El. _El._ Where are you?" He paused to listen to the voice on the other end. Suddenly, his eyes widened and he slammed a clenched fist on the counter-top. "What do you _mean_ 'Indiana'?!" Five began pacing around the kitchen.

"No. You- El. Just- just stay there, alright? Just stay there, and I'll- _w_ _hat?_ Ugh, you know what, I'll take care of things on my end and then pick you up at the station, okay? Just _get here_." With that, Five angrily hung up and stormed out of the room. "I'll be out!" He yelled.

* * *

El was very, very lost. Again.

When she'd initially made the jump with Five, she'd held on as tight as she could in order to, as Five said, 'avoid getting ripped apart in space-time and potentially ceasing to exist'. That, and tearing a hole into the dimension while Five focused on directing said tear into the proper trajectory in order to launch them into the right time was a lot easier when you were holding on to who you were trying to travel with.

Before they time-jumped, they agreed to arrive on March 1st, a full month before the apocalypse, since that would give them more time to set up their scheme- part of it included killing Reginald sooner (Five was extremely adamant on making this a part of their plan), as that would cause his siblings to return earlier and give them all more time to figure out how to stop all this world-ending madness. However, El lost her grip on Five shortly before landing, consequently making her arrive about two weeks too late.

And in a completely different place.

Time travel and dimension travel were related enough that you might be able to do one if you could already do the other, but loose enough still that attempting to actually create any sort of a connection was extremely difficult and often did not come with a very high success rate. It was perhaps a quicker mode to come up with than if they were to go it alone, but it was still incredibly dangerous.

Which is why, when El woke up to find herself in her thirteen-year-old body but otherwise physically unharmed, she considered it a win. After all, despite being terribly physically disadvantaged, she was still alive. She could imagine, though, how disgruntled Five would be to wake up as a small child again. 

Speaking of Five...

El needed to get to him- or more accurately, the house. She could feel that Five hadn't arrived in 2019 yet. She knew what his soul felt like after nearly thirty years together, meaning El would have to make it to the funeral on her own. She tamped down the panic she felt at this, seeing as she hadn't been without Five for longer than a few hours at a time for the past twenty-seven years. She pushed away the paranoid voice in her head that told her Five might not have made it out- he was _Five,_ and he was too stubborn to let anyone or anything kill him before he saved his family.

She gathered herself and went exploring. The nearest town paper let her know she was in some shoddy place on the outskirts of Indiana. A window showed her that she looked the way she did roughly two years into her arrival on earth, meaning she had a messy tangle of shoulder-length hair.

She was pretty grateful for that, because it would be really hard to blend in as a bald thirteen-year-old girl. Still, with her over-sized suit and fairly scruffy appearance, the multiverse's most lovable dimension-hopping telekinetic stuck out like a needle in a haystack.

This would definitely take a while, but if she planned this properly, she should make it to the Hargreeves mansion by the 24th.

* * *

It was a long and harrowing journey, including three robberies, two cases of grand theft auto, six counts of first degree murder, and even an arson that El was honestly not all that proud of, but she finally swindled her way onto an overnight train that would take her to directly to the city. Admittedly, a fair amount of the trials and tribulations were self-inflicted (like the time she broke into someone's house and stole pants because she was sick of her slacks constantly being at risk of falling off), but El digressed. She was stuffing her stolen backpack filled with even more stolen things in storage, when she felt Five's soul-sign flare. Immediately, she locked the door to her cabin.

El took a deep breath. She didn't have time to steal a phone, so she was going to have to do this the hard way. She closed her eyes and sat on the floor, reaching out to Five. She could sense a cluster of energy nearby. She connected with the glowing web and waited til his voice filled her ears.

 _"Hello?"_ El's words got stuck in her throat. God, it was so good to hear from him. She knew he'd be fine, he always was, but that didn't change the fact that she'd been worried. She _always_ worried.

Finally, El gathered herself enough to speak. "Hello?"

 _"El,"_ Five sounded so _relieved._ " _Where are you?"_ Immediately, the words began tumbling from her mouth.

"I woke up in Indiana. But, now I think I'm in Delaware? Or maybe New Hampshire? Hell, maybe I'm still in Arizona. I'm not too sure, I've never been good with geography. Do you think I should steal some clothes? Or do you guys have some spare? I'm a kid again, so nothing fits and it's hard to get around. Did you get rid of your tracker? You should do that soon. I dumped mine in Indiana. I recommend you plant it on someone else. Or maybe leave it on some public transport? I-" Five's voice cut off her rambling.

_"-El. **El.** Where are you?"_

El bit her lip. "...Like I said, I woke up in Indiana. I'm not sure where I am now, though, since I've mostly been just following the feel of the manor. I found a photo online-"

_"What do you **mean** 'Indiana'?!"_

"Huh? Oh, don't worry, I'm already on my way-"

_"Just stay there, and I'll- **what?** "_

"I should be there in a few hours. I'm on an overnight train. Though, I can always get on a bus later that'll take me closer to your house-"

_"Ugh, you know what, I'll take care of things on my end and then pick you up at the station, okay? Just **get here.** "_

"Oh, you will? Alright, thanks!" She cut the connection a second after he did, before realizing that she'd yet to tell him exactly which train she was on. El huffed. She would've been able to explain things a lot better if he were to just calm down. It wasn't as if she said she was on mars!

She sighed and plopped onto her bed. It would be a long ride, and she might as well get rest whenever and wherever she could get it. Especially if the city was as loud and chaotic as she remembered.

* * *

El groaned and sat up, head leaned against the wall. The dull pounding in the back of her skull intensified as she neared the city, the onslaught of electricity and power thrumming uncontrollably all around her. She wasn't used to it, no matter how many cities she's visited in those four years with the Commission. The train stopped and El forced herself up, grabbing her backpack and making her way out.

Five awaited her at the station, sitting on a bench a few feet away from her. El made her way over, the sound of her near-silent footsteps tipping Five off. He looked up from his book and watched her approach. It was good that the whole time-traveling-age-fuckery debacle didn't mess with his senses, she mused, taking in his younger appearance. The plan would've gone up in flames otherwise.

Her partner-in-crime stood and fixed his blazer, the sight causing a wave of nostalgia to come over her. He looked so little, just like he did the day they first met. If she didn't know any better, she would've thought she stepped into an alternate timeline.

She stopped in front of him, and it was as if he'd lost control of his limbs as he flung his arms around her, almost knocking her over from the force. Instinctively, she returned the embrace, squeezing back with matching strength- meaning, very tightly. Her fellow assassin pulled back just as quickly as he'd hugged her and smoothed down his blazer- a nervous habit that he'd kicked years ago. The resurfacing of it made her heart warm.

"You look good, old man," she teased. He snorted.

"Say whatever you want, but you look just as disgustingly prepubescent as I do." El chose to take this as a compliment and beamed. "What the hell've you been doing, anyway?" She rolled her eyes and punched Five's shoulder.

"Getting here, asshole." She said. "Did you get rid of the tracker?" Five gave her a sour look.

"No, because I'm totally going to just stroll around town with my tracker on and just hope they don't fucking find me."

"Shut up, no need to give me attitude. I've got a headache and I literally just trekked across this god-forsaken country for a whole week. You should be kinder to me." As if on cue, Five wordlessly whipped out a bottle of Advil and tossed it to her along with some water. She gratefully downed two pills and shoved the rest of it into her back pocket. Five said nothing, but the smugly-quirked brow was enough to make El (kindly) punch him in the shoulder again. He effortlessly caught her wrist and warped them home.

* * *

"So, what now?" El asked, flopping onto Five's bed. She watched as he pulled out a large chalkboard on wheels from the depths of his closet.

"I have three main ideas on where to start. Since dad is dead, and we've lost a lot of time, I've really had to improvise."

El hummed in acknowledgement as she analyzed the board. He'd only been back for a few hours, and he was already doing all of this? It shouldn't surprise her. Since the very beginning, Five had always been obsessed with the apocalypse. It made sense, seeing how he was essentially drop-kicked into it at thirteen.

"Okay, then walk me through what you've already accomplished." Five listed off the funeral (which of course included the destruction of Ben's statue, because no one in his family could go three seconds without trying to kill each other), the tracker (and really, Five? Letting them shoot up a doughnut shop?), getting patched up by Vanya (thank fuck) while also revealing to her the coming apocalypse (didn't work; such a shame, Five spoke highly of her), before finally going to pick El up from the train station. The next step in Five's plan was to go to MeriTech and find out who owned the glass eye. Five insisted that they could handle it alone, until El reminded him that they were in the bodies of small children and would therefore get turned away at the door.

They planned for about another hour, before El insisted that Five should rest. "I don't need sleep," Five snapped, "I need to figure who the hell owns this damn eye." He shook it aggressively, as if doing so would give him all the answers. El groaned.

"Five. I will pin you to the bed with my _brain._ Go to _sleep."_ She said. At the look he must've had on his face, she sighed. "Hey, if it makes you feel better, I promise to wake you up in a few hours." Five bristled at the calm, almost placating tone, before feeling all the fight leave his body suddenly. This was _El_ talking. She was just worried about him, like always.

"Working with a brain running on pure coffee and spite alone isn't nearly as good as working with a well-rested, fully-functional one. You _know_ this, even if you like pretending you don't. The world still has seven days. Taking a few hours to recharge and put yourself in the best, healthiest frame of mind is your best bet." Seeing Five still hesitate, she grabbed his hand.

"I'm still here. And I'll still be here when you wake up. All of this will." Five finally relented under her soft, imploring gaze. He felt as if his layers had been peeled back and his heart and mind were laid bare in front of her, the way he'd always felt at her words. Five unconsciously squeezed her hand, which was still on his. Why did she always know how to say the right thing?

"I- fine. But only for three hours. And you _will_ wake me up on time."

"Make it four, and you got yourself a deal." Five exhaled heavily through his nose, but didn't fight El as she ushered him to the bed. "Go on. Make sure to take your shoes off, I won't allow you tracking dirt into a bed that I'll definitely be forcing you to sleep in more often. And, yes, you're taking your socks off too, you fucking heathen." Five grumbled the whole way through, but still ended up under the covers within a few minutes. He fell asleep (quite begrudgingly) to the feeling of El carding her fingers through his hair.

* * *

If Five thought El was only gonna make him sleep for four hours, he was fucking wrong.

A novel concept, though honestly El was a little offended. He should've known her better by now. El only ever promised him two things- her love and loyalty (as she considered those to be somewhat synonymous), and to try her best to look out for him in all the ways he should- but wouldn't- be looking out for himself.

El would probably feel guilty for lying to him, if not for the fact that, if not for her, Five would likely not sleep at all while carrying out his week-long Apocalypse Prevention Plan. Which, of course, would be disastrous for everyone involved.

Naturally, Five was extremely disgruntled when he awoke, and his ire certainly wasn't stifled any by the nonchalance it was met with.

"Four is _not_ synonymous with fourteen." El looked at him innocently.

"Isn't it? Forgive me if I'm not the best with math. You know how it goes." She said flippantly. Five's scowl deepened, especially since he was the one to teach her math in the first place. "Tea?" She offered. El didn't wait for a response, and began pouring him a cup anyway.

"I don't like tea."

"I know. But there's no coffee in the house, and anyway you're not getting any for breakfast. If you leave to buy some I'll make you piss yourself with my mind."  Five's response was to maintain eye contact as he petulantly dumped almost all the sugar they had right into his mug. El pursed her lips but said nothing. Compromise was important to maintain peace, after all.

"Why do _you_ get to stay awake, anyway?"

"I slept on the way here, because I know what rest means, unlike you." Five scoffed, remembering all the no-sleep marathons El would have when she was close to a breakthrough with her powers and would refuse to rest til she got it.

"Five?" They both turned to find Vanya, who was looking around in worry. Vanya turned her head and locked eyes with her younger-older brother, before sagging in relief. "Oh, thank God," she said, coming over to him. "I was worried sick about you. You just left all of a sudden, so I-" she paused when she saw the girl sitting with him at the table, casually sipping tea from a mug. "Who-?"

"Vanya, this is the encumbrance to my life that calls herself El. Short for Eleven." El fluttered her fingers in a greeting, eyes sharp and admittedly making Vanya uncomfortable.

"Hi. What he means to say is I'm the light of his life." She said cheerfully. Five, the crabby old bastard, just rolled his eyes ~~fondly~~.

"Oh," Vanya said, clearly unsure of what to do. "Hello. Are you-?" She trailed off. El smiled at her awkwardness.

"I'm his apocalypse buddy," El says, as if that was supposed to clarify things.

"Oh. _Oh_. So- you mean-?" Vanya looked between her brother and El, who was staring back patiently. "Were you the one on the phone with him?"

"Indeed. Unfortunately, when we jumped through the time-hole, I lost my grip on him and woke up in Indiana." Five pinched the bridge of his nose, looking for all the world regretful for allowing them to speak to each other. El relished his discomfort.

"That was a gross oversimplification of things, but sure, let's go with that." He said dryly.

"So does that mean the whole thing with the apocalypse-"

"-Is real and happening? Of course! I don't blame you for not believing it, but it's a very real and present danger, so it would be incredibly helpful for us if you did." El attempted a genial smile, but the tired look on Five's face told her she probably didn't quite land it. Oh well.

"Oh," Vanya said faintly, seeming unable to think of anything else. El raised the kettle that was still in her hand.

"Tea?" She offered.

* * *

El didn't understand why Five was so disgruntled.

After all, didn't he want Vanya on his side? Sure, El might have sent the woman reeling, and maybe she could've held back in making Vanya's mind explode, but he got what he wanted! Vanya was definitely taking him more seriously than she did before- maybe not  _completely_ serious, but still more serious than before. At the very least, she recognized that even if there wasn't an apocalypse per say, there was certainly more at work than just Five's mind going off the deep end. El considered this an accomplishment.

Vanya definitely thought there was something wrong with them though, and maybe she was right. After all, even if El was in no position to be diagnosing herself _or_ Five, she knew that the chances of them surviving through all the things they had and coming out completely mentally sound were probably slim. And while they tended to have pure luck on their side, El was certain it didn't cover mental health.

Still. Five, despite being huffy about the way El handled things with Vanya ("she's a grown woman, Five, she can handle it"), was mollified enough to agree to at least _try_ to hold some semblance of a family meeting to break the news with the others.

(Of course, by 'agree' El meant 'bullied into', but she was never one for semantics.)

"So," Klaus drawled, "remind me why we're all here again?" He asked from his place on the couch. For once, all of the other Hargreeves agreed with his inquiry. Five had been pacing for a few minutes at this point, muttering under his breath about annoying friends and why doing things alone was preferable.

"Because," Five said, already sounding condescending. "Unlike you little pea-brains, we've actually got important things to do, and frankly it wouldn't kill you guys to get off your asses and do something worthwhile for once." Oh, boy. Way to sell it, Five. They were definitely all ears now, El thought. She stretched out on the couch opposite Klaus, completely at home with the sound of Five's irritation. Palpable as it was, it was almost par for the course of being near a stressed and angry Five for longer than ten seconds.

Both Diego and Luther looked ready to throw hands at their brother's words, physically disadvantaged or not. Neither were known for being able to handle jabs to their pride. Allison intervened, not wanting to see her brothers, _fully grown men_ (and then some, in Five's case), destroy the living room.

"Hold on. _We?"_ She asked. Her brothers, quite thankfully, froze at the realization of Five's word choice. Deciding this was her cue, El raised her hand, still sprawled lazily over the sofa.

"Hi. I'm the other half of 'we'." She clarified, though her voice was muffled because she was laying face-down, head buried in a cushion. It'd been a long, long time since she'd been able to just lounge about.

"And you are?" El groaned and sat up at Allison's question, cracking her back as she went.

"I'm El," El stated, "nice to meet you." Luther's eyes narrowed and he moved towards her. Five stepped in front of her in response, effectively blocking his brother's path. He met Luther's gaze in a challenge.

"What is she doing here?" Luther was using his Authority Voice, and El might've thought it was impressive if Five hadn't already spent twenty-seven years complaining about each and every sibling. Then, with a more confused tone, he added, "And why is she wearing our uniform?"

"I'm a friend!" El chimed, before Five could say anything to anger his brother. "And I needed clothes. I'm here to help get you guys up and moving. 'Cause, you know, you're dysfunctional and all that." She waved her hand dismissively. "Also, I have to help keep you guys on track. Apparently you're bad at that too."

"Did he kidnap you or something?" Diego asked her, only halfway joking. "Which park did he drag you from?" El cackled.

"I promise I'm not kidnapped. I came with Five from the future 'cause it sucked so bad. Didn't have a chance to pack."

"Oh? How did you manage to stumble upon our brother dearest, much less get him to take you with him? Do tell." Klaus leaned forward, incredibly entertained.

"I got dragged into an apocalyptic wasteland and he was the only other person around. There wasn't much else to do but try to leave." Perhaps El said this a bit too nonchalantly, as it caused Five's other siblings to double-take.

"Okay, slow down. _what?_ _"_   They then spent a few minutes patiently explaining that the world was going to end and everyone was going to die- fun stuff, really- and also how they had barely any idea how to stop it.

Allison shook her head. "This is insane," she stated, "I mean, an apocalypse? It's crazy."

"And what isn't, in our lives?" Five snapped. What, was he the only one of his siblings who retained any memories of their childhoods? "I look like a thirteen-year-old boy, Klaus talks to the dead, and Luther thinks he's fooling everybody with that overcoat. Everything about us is insane. It always has been."

"Even if what you're saying is true, who's saying we can even stop it? I mean, if you're right, then that means we died the last time, too. We fail. What makes this go around so different?" Five made a noise of incredulity at Klaus' words.

"Because _this_ time, _I'm_ here." El kicked his ankle, and so he amended his statement. " _We're_ here."

"The Apocalypse Prevention Committee!" She exclaimed cheerfully, hands raised in the air. Five groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. El gasped. "We should make t-shirts!"

"We are _not_ making t-shirts." Five said. El pouted, before leaning to the side to make eye contact with Klaus, mouthing 'we're totally making t-shirts.' Klaus grinned.

"Alright, well, this is nuts. I'm outta here." Diego got up from his place at the bar and headed in the direction of the front door. El frowned, seeing as his action stirred some of his other siblings into moving as well, ready to dismiss what she and Five were saying.

Diego made a noise of alarm when an invisible force shoved him back into his seat, the bar stool getting pushed back a bit from the force. Allison and Klaus immediately sat up in their own seats, and Luther's stance tensed.

"Cool it." Five said, glancing at El. But since there was no heat in his words, El simply smiled cheekily.

"The floor's all yours." El made a dramatic sweeping motion with her hand. Diego looked at her incredulously.

"Wait a minute, did she just-?"

"-Anyways," Five cut in, completely talking over his brother. "As I was _saying_ before you tried to leave, the world is ending, and it's not even the least bit surprising for people like us, so don't act like this is out of nowhere. If anything, this is like, a normal Saturday for us, no matter how much you want to pretend you've always been as normal as you're trying to be."

"If any of this _is_ true," Allison said, "then I think I should leave. I need to see my daughter at least one more time."

"You won't have only 'one more time' if you'd just stay here and help." Five fired back. "The world ended because we weren't all together. Therefore, if we do stick together, you'll be able to see your daughter more than just once."

"We seem to be going in circles, just so you know." As usual, everyone else ignored Klaus, who pretended not to be hurt by this. El leaned over so he could see her from behind Five (who was still standing- quite rudely- in front of her) and made the 'crazy' gesture by her head. She was rewarded with a smile.

* * *

"That was pointless." Five snarled, stomping around angrily in his room. They barely got anything done at all. El sighed, picking at her nails from her perch on his bed.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to figure this out ourselves," she told him. Just then, Klaus strolled by, and a sly smirk crept across Five's lips. El inwardly groaned, knowing what he was probably planning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please validate me, I've worked very hard on this chapter and reviews make me feel like it was worth it
> 
> P.S. I've been told that umbrella academy takes place in Canada in the comics, but upon googling it I somehow didn't find this information? And also, I know next to nothing about Canada. So I decided to just set it in the U.S. until further notice. If anyone can confirm that they're supposed to be Canadian, and give me an accurate description of what it's like there, please let me know.
> 
> P.P.S. Friendly little reminder that I have a [Tumblr account](http://igarashisora.tumblr.com/) that I post updates and sneak peeks of nearly all my stories on, so feel free to come and visit!


	4. A Loaded God Complex (Cock It and Pull It)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> El and Five were not the slightest bit joking when they told everyone they were going to stop the apocalypse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience ;-; I hope y'all like this one, and I'm sorry for the inconvenience! I just really felt like the quality of my chapters were getting worse since chapter four, and though I'm not sure if this is any better, I'm at least able to read this without wincing or skipping parts.
> 
> Some of it is still the same, but I've changed quite a bit, especially going forward. This chapter and maybe the next are the only ones that will have some of the same pieces from the original story. I hope you like this version better than the last one!

Ten minutes later Klaus was dressed in some of Reginald's old clothes and all three of them were on their way to MeriTech.

"All I'm saying is, Doomsday Prevention Squad sounds so much nicer. It just has a really great ring to it." Five groaned, tired of hearing Klaus and El argue.

"I see your point," El conceded, "but Apocalypse Prevention Committee sounds much more official, and I really think it would look good on a T-shirt." Klaus hummed as he thought over her point.

"We are  _not_ making T-shirts." Five didn't know why he still bothered- they pretty much ignored the input anyway. He regretted dragging Klaus with them. He shot them both a look as they entered the office building. "Just _try_ to stick to the story," Five refused to call it begging, but that's honestly what it was. "We've got a mission to accomplish here." El and Klaus nodded enthusiastically.

"Of course!" Klaus chirped, and yet somehow it made Five feel even worse.

* * *

Two days later and Lance was making his way to his car, his dog tucked under his arm. The second he closed the door and locked it, a ripple of blue light up the interior. Instantly, there was a pair of thirteen-year-olds in the vehicle with him.

"Oh, Jesus!" Lance exclaimed, heart threatening to escape from his chest. From her spot in the back seat, El smiled far too brightly at him, fluttering her fingers in greeting. She then pulled out a polished dagger that she flipped idly.

Five snatched him by the shirt collar, a pocket knife to the man's jugular. "One chance. That's all you've got," Five growled. " _One_ chance to tell me exactly what's going on in that lab."

"I-I manufacture prosthetic devices for fake patients," The words practically tripped over themselves trying to leave him. "I bill the insurance companies and then sell them for cash on the black market."

"Including eyeballs?" Five leaned ever closer. The man tried to bite down the tiny squeak that bubbled up in his throat.

"Yeah, they're my biggest seller. I mean, they sell li-like hotcakes. I-I've got a waiting list, probably twenty buyers," he stammered.

"So, the serial number I told you," Five murmured.

"Could've already been bought. Yes, off- off the books." Lance was heaving.

Five huffed in frustration. "I needed that list, Lance. Names and numbers, and I  _need_  it  _now!"_

"I don't have it," Five dug the knife in deeper. "I mean, not on me. The only copy's in my safe at the lab."

"Well, you start the car, then. ‘Cause we're going on a field trip.  _Now_."

"O-Okay. Okay."

* * *

"No! No no no no _no_ _!"_   Five's eyes were widened in horror as he stared at the burning building in front of them. El whistled, mildly bemused.

Lance yelped when Five snarled and rounded on him, blade pointed at the older man's jugular. The assassin was seething as he backed the doctor into a corner. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I don't know what happened!" Lance blubbered, curling in on himself. El sighed, picking at her nails and blowing another bubble.

"Sorry?  _Sorry?_ Sorry doesn't cut it,  _Lance."_   The man in question let out a broken sob as Five stepped ever closer. Finally, El had had enough.

"Are you done throwing your tantrum yet? I'm hungry," El whined. Five spun on his heel, eye twitching aggressively.

"Tantrum?  _Hungry?_ Do you not know what this means?" The hand that was gripping the knife was now shaking from how tightly he held it. She rolled her eyes.

"Yes, tantrum. You're literally stomping around and screaming. And _yes,_ I'm hungry, because it's been exactly four hours since I've last had anything to eat." El put down the dagger she'd been using as a nail file to give her partner a flat look. "I get that you're angry and that this means we're in some deep shit, but killing Lonnie isn't gonna fix anything." Five scoffed.

"Since when did you care whether I hurt people for no reason?"

El yawned. "I don't," she said, quite blandly. "But it would be a total pain in the ass to clean up. And to avoid the cops, because let's be honest, it would be super awkward for them to run our prints and have it match some cold case from, like, seventy years ago." Five looked ready to argue again, before suddenly deflating, lowering the pocket knife.

"Yeah, I-" he let out a shuddering breath, "I see your point." El smiled at him sympathetically, beckoning him over. She gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder, which he leaned into subconsciously.

"How about we take a nice little break, huh? Get some food, a nice little nap, and if you're still feeling a little tense we'll find something for you to do, okay?"

Five huffed, though there was clearly no heat behind it. He was clearly too tired to put up much of a front. "Whatever. It's not like I'm some child that needs to scream into a pillow to feel better." El finally managed to coax Five into leaving. As they headed down the road, she turned to make eye contact with a still-cowering Lance.

"We'll be in touch, Lonnie." The man let out another sob as the duo made their leave.

* * *

_YOUR BROTHER SAYS HI._

Of all the messages Hazel and Cha-Cha could've sent, this was the one El expected the least.

She'd gone back to the van to surveil the area (read: take a nap) while Five went on a coffee run. Written across the window in all capital letters was a sentence that only could've been from their former colleagues.

But which brother? Unfortunately for her, Five had a lot of siblings, and even though there were only three brothers, that still would take time and energy for her to confirm. Still, Five would be pissed if he lost yet another sibling due to time-traveling shenanigans.

 So she got into the van, closed her eyes, and dove deep into the Empty.

Luther and Diego checked out, leaving only one other option. As soon as she found Klaus, her eyes snapped open and she looked around for something to make a note with.

There was a scrap of paper on the floor and some rummaging rewarded her with an old, nearly dried up pen in the dashboard. Five was going to be so, so pissed at her, but she was sure he'd find it worth it in the long run.

* * *

When El arrived at the mansion covered in blood and dragging an injured Klaus with her, the academy was thrown into an uproar. Allison rushed over to them immediately, hovering awkwardly for a moment before finally lifting Klaus off of El and calling for help.

"Someone get Pogo!" Allison cried. Luther immediately disappeared down the hall in the search for their butler. El handed Klaus off to his sister, before flopping herself onto a nearby couch. "God, what _happened?"_ Allison asked, leading Klaus to the other sofa. It was best to move him as little as possible in his condition.

"Got shot," El croaked, rolling onto her back. Most of the blood seemed to stem from her left shoulder, which she was pressing a pillow on in an attempt to stop the bleeding.

"Yeah, I can tell that much," Allison snapped. She'd have likely said more, if not for the rest of the house catching wind of the emergency and rushing to them. Luther had arrived with Pogo in tow, carrying a bin of medical supplies.

The butler immediately set to working on Klaus, explaining to the man in soft tones that Grace wasn't alive anymore, which was why he would be taking care of him instead. Five, who had until then been angrily pacing about and generally bothering the people around him, immediately warped over to his friend and assessed the damage.

"Clean through the shoulder," El managed to tell him. Five clicked his tongue, rifling through the supplies.

"God dammit, El," he muttered. "What the fuck were you doing?"

"Got bored, found Klaus," she said between gasps of pain.

"Yeah, I know, you wrote that on your note. How the hell does that involve getting shot?"

"Turns out, Cha-Cha hates surprises," El laughed weakly. "Could'a been worse. She aimed for my heart, I think." Five growled under his breath.

"That doesn't make this any better. You're still bleeding out."

"But I'm not _dead._ 'Sides, should'a seen the other guy." He rolled his eyes, cleaning off the blood from the wound.

"Doesn't mean shit to me. We made a promise, El. If I can't go around getting filled with lead, you can't either." El groaned.

"Okay, okay! I promise to stop letting people almost kill me. Is that better, you crabby bastard?" Five sighed.

"No, it doesn't, but I'm not gonna get anything more out of you."

Soon she was properly patched up with a cast and sling. She sent her friend a cheeky grin and nudged her cast slightly. "Wanna sign it?" She asked, and Five scoffed before flicking her forehead.

"God, I don't know why I put up with you," he said, leaving to change out of his now-bloody clothes.

"Because you _loooovee_ me," El drawled, and giggled when he flipped her off in response. "You don't need to say it, I already know you do!" The slamming of his bedroom door left her with a Cheshire-sized grin, and she flopped back onto the ruined couch with a harsh cackle.

* * *

Cha-Cha flipped through file after file in her work case, looking for her next lead. She couldn't very well go back to the Hargreeves Mansion and try again, seeing as they were likely expecting her this time.

Finally, she decided a visit to the library was in order- she had a lot of things to research.

She dug through her bags and finally pulled out her notes to compare with whatever she could find in the library. No one told her that Five or Eleven had powers, but it didn't matter. None of it did, not anymore.

She was going to rip their hearts out and stomp on them, peel their skin back and shove it down their throats. And by God, she was going to enjoy it.

* * *

"What are we looking at?" Patch asked her nearest coworker. She'd been called onto the scene, and yet already there were a bunch of other cops crawling around the motel.

"Homicide, single man," Harrison said. A few feet away, another officer was already speaking to a cleaning lady, who looked incredibly frazzled. When Patch laid her eyes on the crime scene, she immediately understood why.

There was blood everywhere, and a large dent in the wall. In the middle of the room was a toppled over chair, also with blood on it, and the vent shaft was ripped off the wall. A few coroners were taking pictures of the man dumped in the bathtub. Patch whistled.

"Alright, cause of death?"

"Best guess? Strangulation." Patch frowned, turning to look at Harrison.

"What do you mean, 'best guess'?" Harrison looked disgusted as he cast a glance at the corpse.

"I mean, it was obviously damage to the throat, but this is past just choking someone out. This- this was fucking brutal, Patch." She leaned in to see the dead body, and agreed. The injury was horrid, the throat so mangled that it could hardly be described as a neck. It didn't even look like she had bones in there anymore. Eudora was ready to be sick.

"What the hell did this?" The coroner nearby, Jamison, shook her head.

"No damn clue. I've never seen anything like it." That didn't sound good. Patch frowned, catching sight of the gun another police officer was putting into an evidence bag.

"What about the gun? It's not loaded, is it?" Rogers nodded.

"Full clip," he told her.

"Then why wouldn't the killer use it?"

"Probably the victim's. The killer could've disarmed them and then did the job. But either way, the most interesting part is probably the rounds." He showed her the label he put on the bag.

The detective explored the rest of the site for a minute, before she procured a roll of duct tape from beneath the bed.

"Take a look at this," Harrison said suddenly, beckoning to her. She came to inspect a single bloodied bullet found near the door.

".44," Patch muttered. The same rounds as the ones used at the doughnut shop. It didn't belong to the gun they found in the room, meaning it was probably the culprit's. The body, however, didn't seem to have a bullet wound. So who did it shoot?

* * *

"We thought you were missing, and your answer is just 'oh well'?! Five, we thought you'd gone and disappeared again!" Five groaned as Diego continued to yell at him. What was he supposed to say? Obviously, he wasn't actually missing. He was trying to stop the apocalypse, the way that everyone else in his god-forsaken family _wasn't_.

"What do you want from me, Diego?" His brother spluttered in incredulity.

"What I  _want_ is for you to show some fucking remorse, Five!" El looked over at them in curiosity. As Five descended the stairs, Diego continued to storm after him, angrily ranting at his brother for simply taking off.

"Remorse," El said slowly, as if trying out the word for the first time. "Is that where you respond, or when something's isolated?"

"Neither. That's 'retort' and 'remote'. Remorse means guilt," Five informed her idly. He poured himself some coffee while Diego continued to rant.

"Guilt," El said in the same musing way as before. "Is that the blanket, or a union?"

* * *

El whistled. "Wow, Klaus," she pointed at him with her fork, before adding, "that's peak dumbass right there." Klaus gasped, which looked quite odd considering the hot Cheetos that he'd stuffed up his nostrils wiggled as he moved.

"How dare you assume this is the peak level of dumbass I can achieve?" He pointed at her accusingly. "You take that back!"

"I don't want to know what the hell you guys are talking about," Five told them as he brought his plate to the table, "so I also implore you guys to quit talking."

"Aw, you big ol' grump, you're probably just mad that I didn't include you," El reached over to pinch his cheek with her good hand, but Five slapped it away before she could.

"Absolutely not," he snapped, then reached over to her fork and force-fed her her own eggs to keep her quiet. The evil grin on her face told him she wasn't the slightest bit phased. "Anyways, we have plans to make if we don't want the whole fucking world to burn."

Klaus' interest was piqued, and he leaned forward a little. "Oh? Is it still close to imploding, brother dear?"

"Yes," he said, "and it's even closer to it now, since MeriTech was burned down this morning. So we have a lot of work cut out for us." 

* * *

Allison stormed into the room angrily, grumbling under her breath.

"Any reason why you've thrown your jacket across the room, or was that just for fun?" The woman nearly jumped out of her skin, spinning on her heels to find El watching her in bemusement.

"It's you," She said simply. El quirked a brow.

"It's me," she agreed. "My question still stands." Allison narrowed her eyes.

"Why do you want to know?"

El shrugged, levitating the kettle to pour more hot water into her mug.

"It's not that I want to, so much as it's possible that whatever this trivial matter is, might relate to the impending apocalypse, and I'm sort of in the business of preventing it, so really anything could help."

Allison wasn't sure why she decided to say anything, especially since she was fairly certain that this girl was insane. Still, she found herself taking a seat in front of El, arms still folded over her chest.

"It's my sister," she finally admitted. "She's been hanging around this guy that I _know_ is hiding something, but every time I try to warn her, she gets angry and then refuses to listen to me! All I'm trying to do is look out for her, but she keeps thinking that I'm trying to ruin her happiness or something. I'm just worried about her!" Allison huffed, then moved to get herself a mug as well.

"Why can't she see that I'm just trying to help her?"

"Maybe she doesn't want your help," El said. When Allison looked up at her, she shrugged.

"I don't know what she's like, but I know I'd probably get pissed if anyone but tried to 'help' me or give me advice I didn't ask for. Five doesn't count, obviously, but you guys didn't trek through a wasteland together so I don't think it would be fair to compare us. Still, if she's not used to you trying to help, she'll probably take it negatively. I still don't like it when people do that. It feels condescending, y'know? Like they don't think you can handle yourself, when you've been doing that this whole time." Allison bit her bottom lip.

"I just, I want to get closer to her. We lived together in this house for years, but we've never once actually connected, and I want to fix that." El hummed, unsure of what to say to that. Eventually, she downed the remainder of her tea and moved to dump it into the sink. Allison noticed the lack of dishes and frowned.

"Aren't you going to eat something?"

El shook her head. "No time," she told her, "gotta get back to work."

"When was the last time you ate?" El's silence was answer enough for the older woman, who looked mildly horrified. The former assassin sighed and turned back to face her.

"Look, I've gone weeks at a time with nothing more than willpower and half a crusty cereal bar. I'll be fine, thanks." Rather than reassure Allison this seemed to concern her more, and El was put at a loss for what to do.

"What?" She asked, raising her good arm in exasperation. "What do you want from me? It's the truth. I've spent years nearly starving, so I'm entirely used to going long periods of time without food or water. I'm okay, I swear!"

And yet, no matter what she said, Allison looked more and more pained, until she finally murmured, "Do you like omelettes? We're having omelettes. I'll make you an omelette."

Without allowing El any time to say anything in response, Allison drifted over to the stove unsteadily. El frowned in confusion, still not fully understanding what the issue was. Deciding she was never going to understand, she shrugged it off and went back upstairs.


	5. We've Gone Way Too Fast for Way Too Long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because sometimes throwing yourself headfirst, full-throttle into saving the planet isn't always the best thing to do. But for now, they're going to have fun with it. (Eventually, they're going to crash and burn. El's planning on laughing the whole way there.)
> 
> Alternatively titled 'We Were Never Supposed to Make It Half This Far'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> askasksdkjads I finally forced this one out ;-;  
> admittedly i don't like this story as much as i used to, mostly because the original 4-6 chapters somewhat made me cringe when I read them. And I guess it doesn't help that no one seems to be reading this anymore, so there's that too ;-; but it's fine, because I refuse to not complete this! So, yes, please enjoy :)

"Behold!" Lee cried, slapping down a stack of papers on Patch's desk. "The blood results!" Patch snatched them up immediately, rifling through them to find the answer.

"And what does it say?" Her partner leaned in a bit to peek at the file.

"Everything and nothing," Lee reported almost proudly, "the plot thickens! I'm telling you, demonic forces and extraterrestrials are becoming way more viable theories." Harrison scrunched his nose at this, still trying to read over Patch's shoulder.

Patch's eyes swept over the information hungrily, desperate for any sort of clue that could bring her closer to the answer. She reread the pages in disbelief. _What the hell?_

"Lee, what the fuck," she said, completely out of character. Harrison took the papers from her to see them for himself. 

"They must be contaminated or something. A fluke." Patch nodded vigorously at Harrison's statement, though Lee shook her head.

"Our guys ran them through, like, three times. It's a complete, 100% match."

"Lee, this isn't  _possible._  There has to be a better explanation." Lee scoffed at Patch's insistence.

"Well, if you find one, come let me know. I'd love to find out how they managed to have to same exact DNA makeup as the blood left at over 15 different cold cases going back over decades. My job is done, and now it's up to you guys to deal with it." Lee waltzed away after communicating this sentiment, leaving Harrison and Patch to stare at each other in utter speechlessness.

* * *

Five cursed under his breath as he zipped down the road, weaving between cars and ignoring the horns blaring as a result. He was fairly certain that he ran at least three red lights, but it wasn't like that was of any importance, considering he was in the middle of a high-speed chase with a time-traveling assassin with a grudge.

"For fuck's sake, just die already." He growled.

There was a loud pop noise and a thump as Five made a sharp turn, which reminded him that, yes, this assassin had a grudge. And a rifle. He certainly lost that tire, what with the way the car was screeching down the street. Still, he wasn't a fan of dying, and he ran out of jumps some time ago, so he was mostly stuck for the time being.

It was probably a wonder as to how he got himself into such a situation, but all he would be able to say was it had everything to do with a department store, a box of fire crackers, some firearms, and too many 7-11 donuts to count.

He gunned the ignition, finding an opening and going for it. Just as Cha-Cha let out another volley of bullets, Five made a hard turn, ramming the stolen car into the guard rail and sending the van flying over the side. Just as it began to flip, Five managed one last jump, disappearing from the scene right as Cha-Cha caught up. She didn't stay for long, seeing as the sirens were getting louder, the police hot on her trail.

She, being the professional she was, had no intention of getting caught by authorities. The only thing left for the police at the scene was an upside down van sinking into the lake, skid marks, and confused pedestrians.

* * *

Five reappeared in the middle of the parking lot, disoriented but none the worse for wear. He wasn't sure where he was, but it was no matter. He simply picked a direction and walked, knowing he'd find someone or something to help him figure out where he was.

It didn't take long, considering he was still in the middle of a large city. After resting for a moment, he found out he was actually around the outer edge of the city, so it wasn't a big deal to make a couple jumps back home.

Allison nearly jumped out of her skin when he appeared beside her without warning, a hand flying to her chest.

"Jesus, Five!" She exclaimed. "You scared the hell out of me!"

"Not my problem," he huffed, storming upstairs. He could hear her scoff behind him. "El," he called out, waiting until his companion poked her head out of his room.

"Hey, old man," she grinned. "Killed Cha-Cha yet?"

"Unfortunately, no. I'm going to need that gun. And probably some explosives. And chains, for good measure." El levitated Reginald's large hunting rifle out from its hiding spot under the bed.

"You going out right away?"

"Nah. Just had a run-in with her and I'm not up to do it again yet. I'm probably going to pack ahead and then get something to eat." El nodded in approval.

"Good. You should take a nap while you're at it. Those bags are getting pretty huge." Five scowled at her and she laughed again.

* * *

Of all the things Patch saw herself doing in life, going through the records to find a presumably three hundred-year-old killer in for questioning wasn't one of them.

Alas, there really wasn't much else to do, aside from backtracking and trying to find a different lead, which her partner was already doing. Therefore, she had to go through different records trying to find even the most obscure connection to the case. She sighed as she rifled through the old files- cases so old that they hadn't bothered uploading them to the database.  What did the precinct expect her to find here?

 She was ready to give up and call it a day, perhaps even join Harrison on his search for other leads, when the man himself came bursting through the door. 

"Patch," he hissed, eyes wide, "I think I found something, and you're not gonna like it."

* * *

"Need me to come with?" Five sighed.

"No, I don't. There isn't really much I need you to do other than  _letting your broken arm heal."_

El was silent for a moment, watching him examine the gun. _"Want_ me to come with?"

"Changing the wording doesn't make it any different, El." Five droned. He could tell she was pouting behind him.

"Fine, I'll just terrorize- I'll just hang out with your siblings, then." Five shrugged.

"Be my guest." Just as he got up to leave, El grabbed his wrist.

"Be quick, okay? If I see you on the news for getting killed in a fire, I'm going to kill you." Five snorted at the obvious conflict in her words, but agreed nonetheless.

"I promise, I won't die until you let me." El seemed pleased with his response.

"Good." Five disappeared in a flash of blue light.

* * *

"Where's Five?" Allison asked, surveying the room. She was almost certain that he'd come home a few hours before.

"Out having fun," El said listlessly. She threw another piece of popcorn in her mouth and switched the channel again. Klaus was supposed to join her later, once he got out of the shower.

"Okay. Can I join you, then?" El shrugged, and Allison sat next to her. They were silent for a long while, before El finally sighed and muted the T.V.

"Alright. Spill it. You reek of tension." 

"I- _whaaat?_ I was just- I don't-" El continued to stare at the taller woman with an unamused expression. Allison finally quit her floundering, sighing and slumping.

"Fine," Allison admitted. "It's- it's that guy my sister's been hanging out with. I just couldn't get over it, y'know? Something about him was just nagging at me, so I did some research. He's not who he says he is _at all,_ and now I know for certain something's up. But it's not like I can tell her, since we've already established that she isn't gonna listen to me. But I can't  _not_ tell her. What kind of sister would I be if I just left this alone, knowing that there's something wrong with the guy she's letting into her life? I just- I just don't know what to do." El frowned.

It wasn't as if she was  _expecting_ anything, per say, but rather that she'd never considered being presented with such a dilemma before. Was this really even a dilemma?

"O-kay," she started, drawing out her words. "And why are you so convinced this is  _your_ problem? Vanya's an adult with a fully developed and healthy cognitive system. She's legally fit to make her own decisions. What about this guy makes you think you need to solve this for her?" After all, there were many different reasons why she might not trust this person, and in different ways. Did she think he was dangerous? A killer, perhaps? A cheater? Or was it something as simple as strange hobbies (like toenail collecting?) or smelling strange?

"He showed up in her house without her permission while she wasn't there, and he was coming out of her room, where he had _no_ business being, and he gave me a bullshit excuse that he was using her bathroom or whatever. So then, I go do some research on him, and I find out that he's not even using his real name! His name isn't even Leonard Peabody, but I don't know why he changed his name. Isn't it shady, though? What could he be trying to hide that's so important that he had to get a new identity?" Allison sighed. El mulled over her words for a minute. She didn't really know what to say, having never been in such a situation before. 

"Look, I get that you don't want her hurt. But she's an adult, and she's also not interested in hearing your advice regardless of whether or not you're right. So don't tell her. Just watch, and make sure he's not a threat to her safety, but otherwise sit back and let her do this herself. Because sometimes, people have to get hurt to learn anything. Obviously, you don't want him to do something irreversible like _murder,_ which is why you keep your eye on him. But don't talk to her about it." Allison frowned, causing the telekinetic to shrug. "Hey, you don't have to listen to me, but you _did_ ask. This is just my opinion, based off of personal experience- Five didn't listen to jack shit until there was at least _one_ near-death experience."

Allison quirked a brow.  _"That's_ how you handle Five?" El nodded. "Huh. I never thought of it that way." They sat there in silence for a minute, before the actress spoke up again. "Well, I guess I could give it a shot. I mean, if it worked for Five, it'll probably work for Vanya, since I'm pretty sure he's more stubborn than all of us combined."

El snorted. "That's one hell of an understatement." She shoved some more popcorn in her mouth.

"I mean, it does feel kind of odd to use dating advice on your sister, but-" Allison was interrupted by El choking on her popcorn quite aggressively. "Oh God!" Allison exclaimed, hitting the smaller girl on the back in an attempt to help her breathe. The popcorn shot out of her mouth and El gasped for breath, fixing Allison with a horrified stare. 

"What-" El rasped, forcing down coughs, "-the fuck-" a bottle of water flew into her hand and she chugged it until it was empty. "Who the  _fuck_ said we were dating?"

"Aren't you?" Allison asked, quite embarrassed at the thought of making an incorrect assumption. El shook her head vigorously.

 _"Hell_ no." The amount of conviction in her voice left Allison somewhat taken aback. "Don't get me wrong, I love him, I really do. I don't think there's anything I wouldn't do for him. But that's exactly it. He's special to me, definitely, but in a different way. Like..." El didn't seem to have the words, so Allison tried supplying them for her.

"Like family?" She suggested. El blinked, and then a tiny grin graced her lips.

"Yeah," she agreed, "like family."

"Sorry about that, then," Allison still felt rather embarrassed, and El snorted.

"Yeah, well, as long as you don't mind me holding it against you for the rest of your natural life, then we're even," El said cheekily. "I'm definitely filing that under things that I'll never tell Five under threat of death." She grinned. "I actually think that might be the first."

"Glad to be of service," Allison said sarcastically.

* * *

El looked up from the soap opera when Five appeared beside her, covered in blood.

"She's finally dead," he gasped, collapsing on the bed beside her. El, being unable to use one of her arms, snapped her fingers in appreciation.

"Finally," she echoed. "She was a tough one, eh?" Five groaned, face stuffed into the pillow. He squirmed a little until one of his eyes peeked up at the laptop.

"What're you doin'?" He asked. El shuffled a little to give him some more room.

"Watching something I found." Five frowned.

"Whose laptop is this?"

"Allison's, I think. She already had this booted up when I found it, but she wasn't around so I figured I'd watch it for her. Five snorted, but shifted to face the screen, head partially on El's lap.

"So now you're stealing from my family." El raised a brow.

"Is it theft if she left it up for grabs?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Guess I stole it, then." El shrugged, then shoved some popcorn in her mouth. They shared a comfortable moment of silence, before Five spoke up again.

"Is this- is this another one of your soap operas?" El shushed him.

"Hush. We're finally about to find out if Gloria's actually pregnant with Beau's baby!" Five sighed, but otherwise remained silent for the duration of the episode.

* * *

It was around the afternoon when Vanya stormed down the stairs angrily. Klaus and El were playing 'two truths and a lie' that quickly devolved into them throwing out the most ridiculous set of phrases to build on the other's ridiculous phrase, in an attempt to see who would break first.

El, having abandoned looking over the notes she and Five had on the apocalypse, left them scattered on the coffee table. Meanwhile, the rest of the siblings remained scattered throughout the house, with Allison upstairs on the phone, Luther still looking for evidence of his father's murder, and Diego not even being present.

The duo paused when they saw the usually quiet woman looking quite enraged, a man trailing behind her awkwardly. "Whoa, what's going on?" Klaus asked, eyes wide. Vanya scowled, still muttering under her breath. Neither El nor Klaus knew she returned to the house, what with the size of the house and how easy it was to inadvertently avoid running into anyone.

Vanya almost didn't seem to hear him, but finally she spat out, "What, is this another meeting I wasn't invited to? I don't know why I bothered coming here. Of course, the one and only time I accomplish something for myself and want to share it, it turns out it doesn't matter because no one cares at all!" Klaus and El glanced at each other with wide eyes, before turning back to the rampaging woman.

"Did Luther say something about Dad again? I swear, sometimes it's like  _he's_ the family dumbass instead of me." Klaus' attempt at humor seemed to go over his sister's head, and El was fairly certain she saw one of the cups on the table rattle when Vanya growled. "Okay, what happened?" The violinist looked at Klaus with what was likely supposed to be a dark glare, but it seemed even during a fit of rage, she was unable to fully muster the venom, resulting in an expression that appeared more wounded than anything else.

"I finally,  _finally_  made first chair in my orchestra, which means I'm getting a solo in the next concert, but of  _course_ they can't just be happy for me because I don't matter to anyone here! I can't believe I fooled myself into thinking anyone here cares about me!" With that final sentiment, she swept out of the room, Leonard following after her. El and Klaus shared a look again before they followed suit.

* * *

"Wanna tell us what's going on?" El watched the irate woman carefully. Vanya threw on her jacket in a huff.

"What's  _'going on'_ is this family can't even entertain the idea of being happy for me for  _one second!_ I can't believe I fooled myself into believing any of that would ever change. No matter what I do, I'm not good enough for the oh-so- _special_ Umbrella Academy!" She shoved her feet into her shoes with such force that El was surprised the shoes didn't burst open.

Klaus snorted. "That's not really a surprise, sister dear. Luther's always had a problem with getting his head out of his ass, and Diego's lovely but the 'Dark Knight' persona is getting a bit  _too_ real. And, well, Allison is- Allison. She's always had _something_ going on with her, self-inflicted or not." Vanya almost smiled at that, still upset but at least marginally mollified. Klaus strolled up to her and slung an arm around her shoulder.

"Trust me, I've lived with them my whole life, too. I'm high all the time for a reason." Vanya snorted. She wasn't happy, but she certainly seemed to feel better about the situation. Neither of them seemed to notice, but Leonard murmured something about forgetting his coat, before slipping out of the room.

"What were you trying to tell them, anyway? You said something about a solo?" El asked. Vanya nodded.

"My orchestra was holding auditions for first chair and I got the part, which means I get to have a solo in the next concert. This is something that I've always wanted, and I've finally had something that I wanted to share with everyone. But apparently I don't matter enough to them for anyone to even hear me out." She sniffled at this, and Klaus sighed and put his hand on her head, encouraging her to rest her head on his shoulder.

"I don't know what the hell a first chair is, but I'm glad you've accomplished _something_ with your life, unlike most of us sad fucks." This had Vanya actually laughing.

"You're not a sad fuck, Klaus." Her brother looked at her incredulously.

"You don't need to lie to me, sister dear, I may be an idiot but I'm a self-aware one. My blood is 97% water, and I consume more cocaine than actual food most days. Also, I'm very, very sad, on an emotional level. But that's par for the course for this shitty family, really." Vanya rolled her eyes but El nodded.

"Sound about right," she said. Klaus gave her a fake glare.

"Well, if you wouldn't mind, _El,_ my sister and I are trying to enjoy some nice family bonding, and you're kind of ruining it with your honesty." El shrugged.

"You said it, not me," she told him, then flopped onto the nearest piece of furniture. "Anyway, you said you wanted people to come to your solo?"

Vanya shrugged. "I thought it'd be nice, y'know? I've never really been able to hang out with any of them, and it always just felt like they were out there doing all sorts of cool things, and I was just... _here._ I've never really had anything to myself before, and Leonard said it couldn't hurt to give it a shot. I mean, I've finally done something for _me,_ and I really wanted them to support me for once." El hummed.

"Did you ask Five?" Vanya blinked.

"He, uh, seemed kinda busy. He was muttering to himself a lot, and writing on the walls, and- and it just didn't seem like the time." Which, admittedly, was fair. There were few people in existence capable of interrupting Five's work without getting repeatedly stabbed. What Vanya didn't seem to realize, however, was that she was one of them.

"Well, he'll definitely come. Trust me."

"You can certainly count me in too. I mean, I can't promise I'll understand what's going on even a little bit, but if you think you can handle the embarrassment, then I'll steal the entire first row." Klaus said this with much more pride than he probably had any right to.

Vanya smiled slightly, then pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and handed it to El. It was a flyer for her concert, with the date and time on it. "I've got some free tickets for any guests, since I'm part of the orchestra. They're all front row." El examined it, and grinned.

"Cool. Five will definitely come, whether he decides to on his own or not." Given the person asking was Vanya, of course, El knew without a doubt that Five would be there anyways. It would be a wonderful way to wind down after saving the entire planet.

Just then, Leonard came back in. Vanya seemed surprised, having not noticed that he even left in the first place. "Ready to go?" He asked, smiling brightly. El's face went blank. Vanya nodded.

"Uh, yeah, I guess," she said, stepping out of Klaus' embrace.

"Great." Leonard smiled at Klaus and El, giving them a slight wave. "Nice meeting you guys." He pulled out his car keys, and they left without further delay.

* * *

El kicked the door open. Five, having lived with the natural disaster that she is, barely bat an eye at her needlessly loud entrance. She seemed quite disappointed at this, but didn't let it phase her.

"Vanya has a solo and we're watching it."

Five paused, put down his chalk, and turned to his friend.

"What."

El stormed further into the room. "Vanya's got a solo from her orchestra. She invited us. We're going." She stuck the flyer out at him and he skimmed it. He opened his mouth, ready to explain precisely why they couldn't, when El spoke over him.

"That's a dumb idea and we're going because she's your favorite sister and you need this." Five shut his mouth, not quite speechless so much as weighing his options of what to say next.

"Look. You and I both know how much you love her. She's, like, your favorite person or something, and that means you're contractually obligated to _display_ that by spending time with her and stuff. Besides, the concert happens _after_ the end of the world, meaning we're totally free to go support your sister. Don't fight with me. You _need_ this." Five stared at her for a long time. Finally, he settled on something to say.

"She's not my favorite person." A lazy grin spread across El's face.

"Right, 'cause that's me." Five, despite having opened this line of conversation, snorted and walked away as if _she_ was the ridiculous one (they both were). "It's fine, you don't gotta say it, Five. I already know how much you love me."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." His ears burned when he heard her familiar harsh laughter, but he ignored it in favor of attacking the wall with more chalk.

* * *

El's eyes snapped open without warning. It was dark, meaning it was likely still very late at night- or perhaps extremely early in the morning- and as her eyes adjusted to the lack of light, she realized what must've set her senses off.

Five's side of the bed was empty, the blankets ruffled and the mattress still warm, indicating that he'd likely just left. She sat up, looking around, only to find him sitting at the desk, staring into his book. She watched him, not saying anything.

"What are we going to do?" He whispered, voice so soft that it barely cut through the silence. "We don't have anything else to go on. The Commission's still after us. Everything's falling apart, and our only lead is gone. What now?" Normally, Five would rather cut out his own tongue with a spoon than display any amount of vulnerability. But this was El he was talking to. El, who knows him better than anyone, who's been with him since the very beginning. El, who's such a part of him that he had a hard time differentiating between them most of the time.

He looked up at her, eyes wide and lost in that painfully familiar way that had El remembering a day in the hazy, distant past, a day that marked the beginning of everything. She got out of bed, gripping his shoulder tightly. His eyes never left hers, still searching them desperately. She knelt to make proper eye contact with him.

"We'll do what we always do, Five. We'll power through it, and we'll take whatever's thrown at us and we'll _win._ Because we have each other, and hell will freeze over before that ever changes." Five choked on a sob and El immediately pulled him into a tight, one-armed hug. He returned her embrace with a crushing one of his own, squeezing her abdomen with a strength that people only seem to have when desperate for physical contact.

She led her friend back to their bed, and they curled into each other in a protective tangle of limbs. Just as she was about to dip back into sleep, she heard a soft, almost inaudible whisper from the boy beside her.

"Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhh I did it, it's done, I'm one step closer to the parts I actually wanna write. Not sure when I'll update but if my plans actually work for once, i should be done by chapter 10.


End file.
